Archive for Jokes

Illegal Immigration - US v.s. Mexico

In the last several months, the United States has been embroiled in controversy over illegal immigration. Mass protests were staged by predominantly Hispanic populations all across the US (see BBC reporting here) to put pressure on Congress to allow the estimated 11.5 MM illegal immigrants to begin applying for citizenship. Though it is clear that major immigration reform is needed and many of the illegal immigrants in the United States should be able to apply for citizenship, it is not clear to me that we can continue to allow our porous southern border and thus, an ever increasing influx of illegal immigrants from the south to exist. President Bush addressed that exact point in his national address several days ago, saying:

First, the United States must secure its borders. This is a basic responsibility of a sovereign nation. It is also an urgent requirement of our national security. Our objective is straightforward: The border should be open to trade and lawful immigration, and shut to illegal immigrants, as well as criminals, drug dealers, and terrorists. [...]

[...] Training thousands of new Border Patrol agents and bringing the most advanced technology to the border will take time. Yet the need to secure our border is urgent. So I’m announcing several immediate steps to strengthen border enforcement during this period of transition:

One way to help during this transition is to use the National Guard. So, in coordination with governors, up to 6,000 Guard members will be deployed to our southern border. [...]

You can read the national address in its entirety here.

Interestingly, Mexico is quite unhappy with the U.S. tightening its borders. In fact, it expressed its anger in the most American way possible, lawsuits! Yahoo News is currently reporting that Mexico plans to file lawsuits in U.S. Courts against the United States if National Guard is actually used to protect the Southern border.

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico - Mexico said Tuesday that it would file lawsuits in U.S. courts if National Guard troops on the border become directly involved in detaining migrants.

Mexican border officials also said they worried that sending troops to heavily trafficked regions would push illegal migrants into more perilous areas of the U.S.-Mexican border to avoid detection.

President Bush announced Monday that he would send 6,000 National Guard troops to the 2,000-mile border, but they would provide intelligence and surveillance support to Border Patrol agents, not catch and detain illegal immigrants.

“If there is a real wave of rights abuses, if we see the National Guard starting to directly participate in detaining people … we would immediately start filing lawsuits through our consulates,” Foreign Secretary Luis Ernesto Derbez told a Mexico City radio station. He did not offer further details.

Read the rest of the story here.

That is among the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a while. The Mexican government seems to think that our government is accountable to them in some way.

“This is not a natural disaster, and this is not a military conflict, and [the Guard] is not trained for this. The is a very difficult situation,” said Mr. Quijano (deputy editor at the Ciudad Juárez newspaper Norte). “The Border Patrol is much more prudent. But these troops are taught to use force as the first option.”

I personally fail to see why force isn’t being used as a first option.  What exactly does Mexico expect us to do?  Roll out the red carpet for illegal immigrants?  Write manuals for illegal immigrants on how to cross our borders?  After all, Mexico uses the military to guard its own southern border with Guatemala…

Categories: Jokes, politics

Following Geoff

Emulating Geoff Arnold, who is emulating Gene Bob:

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birth day (excluding the year). List three neat facts/events, two births and one death in your journal, including the year.

Events:

  • 1214 - University of Oxford receives its charter.
  • 1782 - The U.S. Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States.
  • 1963 - The so-called “red telephone” was established between Soviet Union and United States following the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Births:

  • 1756 - Joseph Martin Kraus, Swedish composer (d. 1792)
  • 1819 - Jacques Offenbach, German composer (d. 1880)

Deaths:

  • 1866 - Bernhard Riemann, German mathematician (b. 1826)

Categories: Jokes

Scientific Jargon

“Scientific Jargon” by Dyrk Schingman, Oregon State University

After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.

“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”… I didn’t look up the original reference.

“A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT”…These data are practically meaningless.

“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”… An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”… The other results didn’t make any sense.

“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”… This is the prettiest graph.

“THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”… I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

“THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES”… He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.

“IN MY EXPERINCE”… once

“IN CASE AFTER CASE”… Twice

“IN A SERIES OF CASES”… Thrice

“IT IS BELIEVED THAT”… I think.

“IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT”… A couple of other guys think so too.

“CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE”… Wrong.

“ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”… Rumor has it.

“A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS”… A wild guess.

“A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”… Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

“IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS”… I don’t understand it.

“AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”… They don’t understand it either.

“THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSITANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS”… Mr. Boltz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant.

“A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”… A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

“IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”… I quit.

Categories: Jokes, academia

The I Shing @ Slashdot

The article likens Linux to the proverbial tortoise, and that gets me to thinking that we should update the famous Aesop fable of the tortoise and the hare to reflect today’s reality.

How about this…

Just as the tortoise has crossed the finish line, the hare, waking up and realizing he’s lost the race as a result of his own indolence and brash overconfidence, files suit against the tortoise for infringing on his intellectual property, foremost of which is the hare’s exclusive rights to using one’s legs for forward movement.

The tortoise, facing mounting legal bills and declining support from the other animals, nearly all of whom think the hare’s claims are overly broad and invalid but are afraid of being similarly targeted by the hare’s legal campaign for the use of their own legs, is forced to settle out of court, concede defeat in the race, and to pay a nominal licensing fee to continue using his own legs.

The hare, and his lawyers, win the race after all.

Categories: Jokes

Stolen from Darren’s profile

New Rule: If we really want to stop terrorism, we have to get Muslim men laid. Five British Muslims who were recently sent home from our prison at Guantanamo, charge that their American captors brought in prostitutes to taunt them, because most had never even seen a naked woman before.

And it made me wonder how many members of Al Qaeda have even dated a girl? We should hire women to infiltrate Al Qaeda cells and fuck them. Things would change quickly because young Muslim men don’t really hate America. They’re jealous of America. We have rap videos and the Hilton sisters and magazines with titles like Barely Legal. You know what’s “barely legal” in Afghanistan? Everything!

Young men need sex, and if they don’t get it for month and after month after month, they wind up cursing the day they ever decided to go to Cornell.

–Bill Maher here

Categories: Jokes